How Do I Know if My Therapist Is a Good Fit?

Finding the right therapist can be a challenge. Usually it involves a process of sifting through a sea of profiles on Psychology Today, reaching out and hoping they will email you back, and then the initial consultation call, which can be a scary thing to do. It often feels like online dating.

During the first few sessions, you are probably getting a feel for your therapist and trying to figure out if they are actually a good fit. This can be especially difficult for clients who are new to therapy and don’t know what to look for in a therapist.

Why Having the Right Therapist Matters

The general consensus among therapists is that the most important aspect of therapy is your relationship with your therapist. There are many different types of therapy (for example, IFS, EMDR, CBT, or EFCT), but that does not matter as much as having a therapist who is a good fit.

Whether you are starting therapy for the for the first time or wondering if your current therapist is a good fit for you, here are a few questions to help you decide whether your therapist is the right therapist for you.

How comfortable do I feel with my therapist?

If you’re someone who is uncomfortable talking about yourself and your feelings, you might not feel comfortable with any therapist at first. Even so, you will probably get a sense of whether you might feel comfortable in the future, and if you see yourself eventually opening up to them. If your therapist is judgmental or critical of you, those are red flags.

Do they respect my boundaries?

Good therapy goes at your pace and is respectful of your needs. If you set a boundary and your therapist violates it, it’s a red flag. For example, if you have a history of trauma and you aren’t ready to talk about it yet, an attuned, trauma informed therapist will respect that. If your therapist tries to push you or convince you to talk about trauma anyway, they probably aren’t a good fit. That said, if someone does not want to talk about their trauma, some trauma informed therapists will respect that but will also ask if you are open to exploring why you don’t want to talk about your trauma. This is something I myself ask clients. From an IFS lens, it gives us the opportunity to get curious about the part of you that doesn’t want to share, and what that part’s concerns are. This can be an important part of healing from trauma.

Can my therapist repair or own up when they make a mistake?

Therapists are human and we make mistakes. Sometimes we say something off base or have to late cancel an appointment. When your therapist does something that bothers you, you should be able to talk about it without them getting defensive, blaming you, gaslighting you, or going into their own shame spiral and overapologizing. They should be able to listen, acknowledge the impact on you, and apologize if an apology is due.

Is the session focused on me, or do they make it about themselves?

Therapy is a space for you to work on your goals. If you know your therapist’s life story, the names of their children and cats, and all their relationships issues, they might be making the session more about themselves than you. Of course it’s ok for a therapist to share. Sometimes knowing a little about your therapist can help you relax because you know you’re talking to a real person. If you find yourself getting annoyed with how much they talk about themselves, it might be a sign that they are making the session more about themselves than you.

If you are a healthcare provider seeking a therapist, here are few additional considerations:

Common Issues Faced by Healthcare Workers

It can be helpful, but not essential, to have a therapist who understands some of the niche issues healthcare providers face, such as long hours, burnout, compassion fatigue, medical school trauma, and systemic issues. A therapist who is knowledgable about these issues might be more equipped to help you navigate them.

Turning "Off" After Work

Some healthcare jobs require you to be in stressful, high pressure situations where you have to be “on” for a long period of time. Afterwards your muscles might be tense or your heart might race, and it can be hard to relax. I have found this to especially true for medical students, residents, and newer therapists who have not yet learned how to balance work with self care. It can also be true for people who work in Emergency Medical Services. If you have a hard time relaxing after work or take work home with you, it might be helpful to find a therapist who can help you address how to turn “off” after a shift. This might include incorporating somatic therapy or finding ways to complete the stress cycle.

Difficulty Focusing on Yourself

If you’ve spent most of your life taking care of others, you might have a hard time focusing on yourself. In a job where you are constantly thinking about patients and their wellbeing, you probably aren’t noticing your anxiety, your back pain, or that you haven’t eaten since breakfast. When focusing on others takes up so much of your time, it can feel deeply uncomfortable to begin to notice your body sensations and your feelings more. It can be helpful to find a therapist who is experienced in helping clients navigate the discomfort of focusing yourself and processing emotions.

Summary and Next Step

Ultimately, a good therapist is someone who helps you feel respected, understood, and supported, and someone who can sit with discomfort, honor your boundaries, and take responsibility when they miss the mark. This is especially important for healthcare providers, who often spend their days caring for others while putting their own needs aside.

You deserve a therapeutic space that centers you, allows you to move at your own pace, and helps you reconnect with your body and emotions in a way that feels safe. Trust your instincts: if something consistently feels off, it’s okay to name it, explore it, or seek a therapist who is a better fit for where you are right now.

If you think that I might be a good fit for you, I invite you reach out schedule a consultation. My priority is for clients to find the right therapist. If we have a consultation and it is not a good fit, or if we have been working together and it is not a good fit, I encourage you to let me know and help me get a better sense of what you need. I will send you some referrals to help you find the right fit.