Working With Women After Infidelity: A Guide for Attorneys Navigating Clients' Emotions
Updated: Oct 6
If you’re a divorce lawyer or mediator, you see clients on some of the worst days of their lives. They are going through a massive upheaval that affects almost every aspect of their life- family structure, housing, finances, time with their kids, plans for the future, and sense of who they are.
Even when clients know divorce is the best decision, it isn't a situation they wanted to be in. It's no surprise that clients would be emotional during this incredibly painful process.
For some clients, emotions may make it hard to stay focused on legal goals. They get angry with their spouse in mediation and everyone needs to take a break. Or during a strategy session, a wave of sadness hits them and you don't know how to get back on track.
Ultimately, you want the best outcome for your client. If you see that your client's painful emotions are undermining their case or making your job harder, you might end up feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, or confused.
As a therapist who works with infidelity, I have noticed four common emotional and behavioral patterns that arise when my clients get divorced: defensiveness, overcorrection, avoidance, and disenfranchised grief. These patterns are rooted in the emotional pain of divorcing after infidelity. They can impact how clients behave and lead clients to work against their own legal interests.
I created the following guide to help attorneys understand these patterns. My guide provides examples of the behaviors associated with each pattern, explains the underlying emotions, and offers tips and techniques to help you navigate them- to help you better serve your clients and preserve own wellbeing.
Defensiveness
What you experience:
Your client seems physically tense and blames their spouse when the affair is mentioned. They want to share everything their spouse did wrong. They push back in mediation or come across as angry.
When they get defensive, they raise their voice and talk faster, leaving you little opportunity to interrupt. Depending on how you respond to anger, you might get annoyed, impatient, or anxious in these moments.
What your client experiences:
Your client is frustrated, but underneath the frustration they probably feel unseen and unheard.
According to Dr. Carey Incledon, a clinical psychologist and Certified Gottman Therapist specializing in couples therapy and trauma, "When a client who has had an affair becomes louder, faster, or more defensive, the behavior may reflect an urgent effort to communicate, 'There is more to this story than what I did.'
Helping the client feel heard about the history of the marriage does not require minimizing responsibility for the affair; those are two separate issues."
When clients have had an affair, they are often blamed for the downfall of their marriage. That can feel unfair when the marriage had problems long before the affair began.
Your client may want you to understand that the divorce is not solely their fault, and that issues between the couple were co-created. Your client raises their voice and talks faster because they are fighting to be heard.
Your approach:
Validate their emotions. When you validate your client, you are communicating that their emotions make sense for the situation. You do not have to agree with what your client is saying. You just need to acknowledge that there are good reasons for how they feel.
Validation helps clients feel understood. They no longer have to fight to be heard because they know you understand. The defensive anger and frustration deescalate.
Start by matching your client's energy and naming the emotion. If they're raising their voice and talking faster, mirror them by raising your voice and talking faster while you validate them. Then, slowly start to soften your voice and talk slower. Sometimes people are afraid that matching a defensive person's energy will escalate the situation, but if you are validating them, it will usually have the opposite effect.
"I know! Yeah, you're angry. That makes so much sense!" (Say this while matching their energy.)
"I’m hearing all the ways your spouse has wronged you." (Soften your voice slightly and slow down.)
"I know there are good reasons for how you feel. I know this is tough to hear." (Calmly.)
Redirect. Let them know you understand why they're angry, but that you need to stay focused on the task at hand. Offer to take a break before you go back to work.
"Let's stay focused on the affair so we can reach terms you can live with. Do you want to take five before we do that?"
Make a referral. If your client continues to become defensive, it can be helpful to refer them to a therapist. This isn't just about legal outcomes, it's about the fact that your client is suffering. Therapy is a resource to help reduce your client's suffering and improve their quality of life.
"I can tell there’s a lot going on in your head. I think it would be helpful to talk out what happened in your marriage with a therapist."
Overcorrection
What you experience:
Your client does not attempt to negotiate. They agree to unfavorable terms or waive their right to assets they are legally entitled to. They accept less custody time than you might expect.
To you, your client is being illogical. You're confused. You don't understand why they aren't seeking a more equitable distribution of assets.
What your client experiences:
If the couple spent months or years trying to repair their marriage before deciding to get divorced, your client has probably witnessed how deeply the affair impacted their spouse.
Affairs lead to a specific type of trauma for the betrayed spouse, usually referred to as "betrayal trauma." Someone suffering from betrayal trauma has similar symptoms to PTSD, and can experience hypervigilance, panic attacks, intrusive thoughts about the affair, and physical symptoms such as headaches and stomachaches.
Your client may feel guilty for harming their spouse. The settlement becomes a way to make reparations for the harm they caused.
While repair after betrayal is important, using the settlement as a way to repair is generally not in your client's best interest.
Your approach:
Start by naming the client's observable behavior. Reflect the behavior without judgment. When you start the conversation with compassion, clients are often receptive. Compassion is key here. If you reflect your client's behavior when you're frustrated, your client night notice your frustration and feel defensive.
"You agreed to that offer very quickly."
"At first you told me you wanted equal custody time. Now you're saying every other weekend."
Ask clarifying questions. While this guide offers potential insight into what clients might be experiencing, every client is different. Assuming without clarifying can cause more harm than good. Clarifying is respectful and conveys to your client that they are the expert in their own experience.
"I don't understand where this is coming from. What changed?"
"I want to check something. Is this the outcome you actually want?"
Clients may not use the words "shame" or "guilt." Instead, they may use phrases like "I don't deserve it" or "I'm just trying to right my wrongs."
And, they might not be operating from a place of guilt. They might have a completely different answer from what you expect, in which case, it's great that you clarified!
Express your positive intent. When someone receives excessive judgment and criticism (as women who have had affairs often do), they can become hypervigilant, looking for any possible sign that someone is judging them.
They will be more open to feedback when you convey that you care and that you're concerned, rather than judging or criticizing them.
"I'm here to fight for you. I'm concerned this is more of an emotional decision than a practical decision."
"I want to make sure we’re working towards the outcome you actually want."
Make a referral. When making a referral, it can be helpful to acknowledge the client's emotional pain in addition to improved legal outcomes.
"The fact that your guilt is driving your legal decisions shows me how awful you're feeling. I think a therapist could help you with the guilt, and it might impact your choices in the divorce."
"There are other ways to make amends and stop feeling so bad. A therapist could probably help you figure that out."
Avoidance
What you experience:
Avoidance can show up in different ways. Your client might literally avoid things: they consistently show up late or don't fill out the documents you requested. Or, they might be physically present but mentally checked out. They appear dazed or don't seem to be following along in meetings. They might not remember important details you discussed because they were not mentally engaged.
You find yourself or your team overfunctioning for them. You remind them about meetings or documents or repeat yourself frequently. You may feel anxious about them missing meetings or annoyed because you are doing extra work.
What your client experiences:
Your client is likely being avoidant because when they face reality, they are flooded by shame, fear, or grief. Shame for what they did to their family. Fear for what their life will look like after the divorce. Grief over what they have lost.
These emotions are debilitating, but your client is making life-altering decisions and needs to be able to function. Your client's brain and body automatically shut down in order to protect them from those debilitating emotions.
Avoidance is so powerful that often this process is unconscious. Your client probably does not recognize that they are avoiding emotions. They may not even realize that they are forgetting meetings or mentally checking out. This is the body's innate survival mechanism, not a conscious choice your client is making.
Your approach:
Start by naming the client's observable behavior.
"You've been late to two of our meetings."
"It seems like you forgot some pretty significant details that we talked about."
Normalize the avoidance. Addressing avoidant behaviors can trigger feelings of shame. Normalizing the behavior is a way to help clients reduce shame and stay present during your conversation.
"A lot of people mentally check out during this part of the process, because these things are so hard to talk about."
"It's normal to want to avoid painful situations."
Make a referral.
"It might help to talk to a therapist about checking out so that they can help you be more present and fight for the terms you want."
Grief
What you experience:
You bring up parenting plans and tears start running down your client's face. You're not sure what happened, because a few minutes earlier they seemed fine. Now they're crying so hard they can barely speak.
You're confused and don't know what to say when they get upset. It seems like decisions about the future trigger them, but it's hard to tell.
What your client experiences:
Your client is riding the waves of grief, often at the mercy of whatever emotions come their way. One minute they're fine and the next minute they remember that their whole life has changed.
Haley Lipton Polo, a grief therapist based in Washington DC, states, "It is important to recognize that grief is a mental, emotional, and physical experience. Your client is likely experiencing a wide range of emotions, sleep or appetite disruptions, brain fog, difficulty concentrating, irritability, nausea, body aches, or fatigue. This may make it difficult to function normally in day to day life."
In addition, your client may be experiencing disenfranchised grief. Grief becomes disenfranchised when someone feels that they do not have the right to grieve, or when their grief is invalidated by society. This sometimes happens with clients who have had an affair. They feel like they haven't earned the right to grieve, or that they can't show grief outwardly because others wouldn't understand. Lipton Polo explains, "Oftentimes disenfranchised grief intensifies feelings of isolation and despair after loss because of lack of access to social support and grieving rituals. This may contribute to a prolonged or complicated grief experience. There is no timeline for grieving, nor is there a linear path forward. But every grieving person deserves support."
Your approach:
Empathize and validate their emotions. This can help your clients feel understood and less alone.
"This is so painful."
"I can see how hard you’re working to hold it all together."
"I know this is hard."
Name the grief. This is especially helpful for clients who do not realize they are grieving. Knowing what they are experiencing will can help clients feel calmer. Using conjectural phrases like "I imagine" or "It seems like" gives your client the opportunity to check in with themselves about what they're feeling and correct you if needed.
"I imagine what you’re experiencing is grief because this is a huge loss."
"I think you might be grieving."
Make a referral.
"I know it can be hard to talk about, but I think it would help to talk to a therapist."
"No matter what happened, you deserve a space to process your divorce."
The Value of Self Protection
While these behaviors can be frustrating for attorneys, they are also a testament to how adaptive and resilient your clients are.
The fight or flight response, and the ability to protect yourself from overwhelming emotions, are strategies that have helped humans survive for hundreds of thousands of years. It's something we all do.
These protective strategies exist for a reason, and it's important to honor their value. It might difficult for you to work with clients who are overcorrecting or getting defensive, but imagine how much more difficult life would be (for your clients and yourself) if they didn't avoid their guilt, grief, or shame and were too overwhelmed to function.
How Therapy Helps
Ideally your clients would not have to avoid their emotions OR get overwhelmed by them. That's where therapy comes in.
Therapy provides a structured environment where clients can learn how to feel their emotions without getting too overwhelmed. After consistent therapy, clients no longer need to avoid their emotions and engage in the behaviors that undermine their case. Instead, they can face difficult emotions, soothe themselves, and then move on.
Closing Thoughts
My hope is to provide attorneys with a compassionate framework for understanding women who have had affairs and addressing behaviors that impact their case.
I recommend that attorneys use this guide thoughtfully, keeping in mind that every client is different and that when in doubt, trust your own judgment.
If you have questions or comments about this guide, I invite you to email me at amy@calminghomecounseling.com.
If you have clients experiencing any of the issues addressed in the guide, they may be a good fit for therapy with me. I invite you to direct them to schedule an appointment using my contact form.
About the author: Amy Crawford, LPC, LCPC, is a Certified IFS Therapist. She works with clients navigating anxiety, depression, relationship issues, and grief after infidelity and divorce. Amy has a 100% virtual practice and works with clients located across Virginia, Maryland, and Florida.
Disclaimer: The information in this blog is provided for educational and informational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for mental health care nor a recommendation or endorsement for any particular treatment plan, organization, provider, professional service, or product. The information may change without notice. No claims, promises, or guarantees are made about the completeness, accuracy, currency, content or quality of information linked. You assume all responsibility and risk for any use of the information.
