Dating can be messy, but you make it harder than it needs to be.
Even when you know you’re sabotaging your relationships, you can’t stop yourself. Most of your life you’ve been able to identify a problem and fix it, but not this. No amount of criticizing yourself or hyping yourself up changes things.
You can learn to embrace a healthy relationship.
Imagine a relationship where you feel loved and respected. You have the late night heart to hearts and awesomely cheesy holiday traditions. You spend time with each other's families, and maybe create a family of your own.
Imagine having someone hug you when you've had a rough day. You know they'll still be there, even when you argue. Imagine growing old with someone you love.
It won't be perfect, because life isn't a Disney movie. But it can be real.
It starts by changing your relationship to yourself.
Maybe you’ve done talk therapy, but it hasn’t changed your relationship patterns. That’s because the insight you get from talking is in a different part of your brain than deeply rooted attachment patterns.
Internal Family Systems goes beyond talking about problems or parts of yourself. You’ll learn how to talk to parts of yourself. You’ll form a connection with your anxiety, your avoidance, and your inner saboteur.
This connection helps them not take over so much, and you’ll have a better sense of what to do when they do take over.
IFS therapy for relationships can help you:
Focus on the right people. Learn to embrace compatible people who respect your time, care about your wellbeing, and appreciate you for who you are. You recognize people who aren’t interested or capable of a relationship. Instead of trying to win them over, you naturally lose interest. You don’t need to chase validation from them, and you don’t have to play games. You find yourself only attracted to people who are sincere, respectful, and show you they want you.
Stop criticizing yourself and taking things personally. You give yourself grace when you make a bad joke or someone you’re dating ghosts you. When someone isn’t interested, you no longer tell yourself it’s because you’re “stupid” or “ugly.” You consider your role in how things played out, and you learn from it.
Address conflict and hurt feelings head on. When someone you’re dating hurts your feelings or isn’t meeting your needs, you’re honest about it. You share your feelings openly instead of pretending things are ok when they aren’t. It’s scary, but you’re no longer frozen while internally screaming at yourself to speak up. You have enough self trust to know that if the other person doesn’t respond in the way you were hoping, you can take care of yourself and decide what’s next.
Quiet the anxiety. You stop analyzing text messages, replaying conversations in your head, or rewriting your Tinder bio at 1 am. You still care, but you aren’t as worried. You’re more present at work, with friends, even when you’re alone. You’re more focused on you and the present moment than what someone else is thinking about you. You stop making decisions from anxiety and start leading with confidence.
Stop avoiding. No more throwing yourself into work so you don’t have to think about dating, telling yourself you’ll be ready to date when you finally lose ten pounds or make a certain amount of money, or telling yourself you’re not a relational person when a part of you is longing for a partner. If you’re genuinely confused about whether you want a partner, you leave therapy with clarity about whether you’re unconsciously avoiding a relationship or just not interested.
Take care of yourself throughout this process. No matter how much you work on yourself, it doesn’t change the fact that dating is hard. You’ll be more in tune with yourself, so you can recognize when the apps are burning you out, or your nervous system is going into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, and you’ll know what to do when that happens. You’ll be able to sit with your emotions and self soothe. You’ll feel better in the moment, and have more space to find a healthy relationship.
Feel secure, with or without a relationship. Things are still painful, but you won’t feel the same level of urgency. If you’re concerned about running out of time to have a family, you’ll be able to think clearly about next steps. When you feel grief or pain about being alone, you’ll know how to manage those feelings effectively instead of frantically signing up for another dating app. You’ll be able to approach dating and decision making from a position of security and calm.