You’re a woman and you cheated. Now what?
Your partner discovered your affair, and things will never be the same. You don’t know who you are anymore. You and your spouse talked about how cheating was a nonnegotiable, and then you did it. You never thought you would be that person.
Your spouse is angry, heartbroken, and distrustful, and being at home feels like a minefield.
When they ask why, you dissolve into tears, apologies, or saying “I don’t know.” You try to explain and end up blaming them: that they weren’t home enough, they didn’t help with the kids, you didn’t feel appreciated, and your needs weren’t being met. Or you tell them you’re a piece of shit and an awful human. All your answers lead to another fight, and you feel even more hopeless.
As much as you promise that you'll never do it again, you don’t really feel confident. How can you know you won’t do it again when you don’t even understand how it happened the first time?
You’re overwhelmed by the shame, the panic, and the realization that I did this and I can’t take it back. All you want is to earn your spouse’s trust back, show how much you love them, and stop feeling so broken.
Imagine understanding yourself well enough that you know you’ll never make this mistake again.
You understand the things that made you vulnerable to an affair, including certain personality traits and past experiences.
You notice the warning signs in the future, and you know what to do.
When you’re feeling frustrated with your spouse, you talk to them about it. It’s awkward, but you do it anyway because you know that staying quiet leads to resentment and distance.
You notice when your coworker looks at you just a little too long. Instead of smiling and people pleasing, you walk away, because you know being nice to a flirty coworker is not worth your marriage.
When you get the urge to tell a half truth, you’re honest.
You can sleep through the night and pay attention during work meetings again. You still have to live with the knowledge that you betrayed the person you love most, but you no longer spiral into self loathing. You know you’re taking steps to recover, and you’re working on yourself to make sure you never cheat again.
You can get through this.
Imagine when your spouse asks why, you take a deep breath. You have an honest answer that doesn’t justify or blame them.
You’re able to explain to your spouse everything that led to the affair. You explain what was happening in your mind when it started, and as it continued. You explain why, if things weren’t going well in your marriage, you chose to cheat, when you could have chosen something else.
You take accountability and fully answer their questions.
Imagine when your spouse tells you how much you hurt them, you don’t get swallowed up by shame and spend the rest of the night hating yourself. You still feel awful, because you caused harm, but you’re calm enough to actually listen and engage with them.
These conversations are hard, but they’re needed in order to repair a marriage after infidelity.
What therapy for infidelity looks like.
My background is in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) and Internal Family Systems (IFS), and I use these frameworks in our work together. Together, we'll work on helping you:
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Understand the deeper factors that contributed to the affair
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Talk about what happened without withdrawing, getting overwhelmed or being defensive
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Respond to your spouse's questions with greater clarity and confidence
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Take accountability without living in constant shame
The goal is to help you become more secure, more self-aware, and more connected to yourself so that you can repair your marriage and so you're no longer vulnerable to infidelity in the future.