You’re a woman and you cheated. Now what?
Your spouse is angry, heartbroken, and distrustful, and being at home feels like a minefield. When they ask why, the conversation doesn't go well.
Maybe before your affair, you spent years trying to fix your marriage. Maybe you try to explain how lonely and disconnected you felt before the affair: they weren’t emotionally available, you didn’t feel appreciated, and your needs weren’t being met. But your spouse says you're blaming them. Your answers lead to another fight, and you feel even more hopeless.
Or maybe you cheated despite being happy in your marriage. Maybe you liked feeling wanted, the excitement, or it helped with stress, and it had nothing to do with your spouse or your marriage. Or maybe you truly don't know how it happened. You dissolve into tears, apologies, or saying “I don’t know.” That's not enough to reassure your spouse.
You and your spouse used to talk about how cheating was a nonnegotiable. Maybe you've even thought about how if someone in a relationship wants to cheat, they should just end it. You never thought you would be the person who stays and cheats. You don’t know who you are anymore.
You might be asking questions like:
How could I have done this and thought it was okay?
What’s wrong with me? Am I a narcissist or a sex addict?
What do I have to say or do to fix my marriage?
How can I help my spouse through this?
How will I cope if my spouse wants a divorce?
You’re overwhelmed by the shame, the panic, and the realization that I did this and I can’t take it back.
It's possible to repair marriage after an affair.
Many of the women I work with want to stay married.
The affair may have filled some need or gap in your life, but you don't actually want to leave your spouse for your affair partner. Whatever issues you two have had, you chose your spouse for a reason. You're committed and you want to fix this.
Imagine when your spouse asks why, you take a deep breath. You have an honest answer that doesn’t blame them or justify what you did.
You’re able to explain to your spouse everything that led to the affair. You explain what was happening in your mind when it started, and as it continued. You explain why, if things weren’t going well in your marriage, you cheated, when you could have done something else.
You give them an answer that goes deep. Really deep. You're able to point to specific patterns and parts of yourself that existed in you long before you met your spouse, including the parts of you that people please, seek validation, compartmentalize, numb out, escape, or avoid loneliness.
You understand where those parts come from and how they've impacted your marriage.
You share the context, take accountability, and fully answer their questions.
Imagine when your spouse tells you how much you hurt them, you don’t get swallowed up by shame and spend the rest of the night hating yourself. You still feel awful, but you’re calm enough to actually listen and engage with them.
These conversations are hard, but they’re needed in order to recover after infidelity.
You can forgive yourself and take accountability.
Imagine sleeping through the night and paying attention during work meetings again. That pit in your stomach still shows up sometimes, but the constant, debilitating dread is gone. You stop worrying you're a broken, horrible person. You take accountability because you caused harm, but you learn to forgive yourself and no longer spiral into self loathing.
You know who you are, and you know you won't cheat again. You understand the things that made you vulnerable to an affair, including patterns and past experiences.
You stop chasing the external validation, the forbidden excitement, and the fantasy that an affair partner will give you everything you're missing. You have better boundaries. When your flirty coworker approaches you, you turn away. You're no longer driven by people pleasing or the desire for their attention.
You show up differently with your spouse, your kids, your family. You address issues, calmly but without backing down. You understand what you need- whether it's connection, validation, feeling wanted- and how to meet those needs without straying from your marriage. It's uncomfortable and takes practice, but over time it gets easier.
How I help.
When you have an affair, it can feel like you’re two different people. Sometimes you’re the person who makes dinner and hangs out with your spouse and kids like everything is normal.
Sometimes you’re the person who sneaks around, meets up with your affair partner, and does things you never thought you’d do.
That’s why it can be hard to end an affair- because one part of you wants to end it and focus on your marriage, but another part of you keeps taking control.
Understanding your affair, being able to explain it to your spouse, and making sure it won’t happen again requires understanding the part of you that chose to have an affair.
I use Internal Family Systems therapy to help you understand that part and rewire it, so that you’re the one in control.
Our work together helps you learn to live with what you did, feel equipped to have difficult conversations with your spouse, and make sure you're no longer vulnerable to infidelity in the future.
Therapy for the unfaithful partner can help you:
Provide a detailed, honest account of your affair to your spouse. An affair isn’t just one mistake. It’s a series of decisions made over time. You’ll be able to walk your spouse through these decisions one by one, explaining what part of you made each decision and how you justified it in the moment. It will be painful for both of you, but it’s part of rebuilding trust.
Stop the shame spiral. When your spouse opens up to you about how your affair affected them, you don’t get overwhelmed thinking about how horrible you are or break down sobbing. You feel guilty, but you’re able to stay focused on their pain instead of shame taking over. Staying focused and present with your spouse in these moments is a vital part of affair recovery.
Speak up and address issues head on. When you’re feeling unappreciated or frustrated with your spouse, you tell them directly instead of pretending everything is ok. It’s scary and the conversation is uncomfortable, but you do it anyway. You know that not speaking up leads to resentment and disconnection, and now you know where that leads.
Be more present in your life. You realize the other ways, outside of the affair, that you've been escaping or numbing out. You notice when you want to use work, food, or alcohol as a distraction. Instead of clicking on your inbox or going to the fridge, you allow yourself to feel your feelings. It’s not fun, but you realize that that the lonely part of you is there for a reason, and you choose to face it instead of escaping. Living in reality isn’t easy, but now you have the power to create a life you don’t need to escape.
Be sure you don’t go back to your affair partner or have another affair in the future. There was a reason why you had an affair, and it almost always comes down to unmet needs. The need for connection. The need for intimacy. The need to escape. Now, you’re more aware of your needs. Instead of messaging your affair partner the second you feel the need to escape, you pause. You notice how you’re feeling and decide to do something else to meet that need instead.